Tuesday, February 2, 2010


or lack there of. That's what I have. I have this need for control. I think I already said that. But here's the thing, I, for some reason, want to control the kids. I want them to do what I say. And I want them to control themselves, even though they have never been taught. And yet I don't control myself. When My kids get mad I want them to act rationally, but I don't. I expect more from them then I do from myself. If I want them to change, I am going to have to change first. Where I lead they will follow, it's worked so far, just in the negative.

Vicki has called me on the carpet a few times about my control issues. She won't give me the answers on how to fix the kids. She told me it's about me and I need to get to the bottom of that before things are going to change. So here it goes.

A- Children manipulating/ trying to control each other
B- Children who are controlling are mean, selfish, bossy. They will seek out and take advantage of those who are weaker than they are. People won't want to be their friends. They may even be evil. They have deep seated issues that make them miserable so they seek to have others miserable with them.
B- Parents of controlling children either are also controlling or have no control over their children. They are door mats and give their children everything they want or they make their children feel bad about everything. They are pushing their issues onto their children.
C- I get mad and lecture how" no one will want to play with you." Use "how would it feel if it were yous." And ironic enough, manipulate back.
D- I'm a controlling person and I have friends. This is a person how knows what they want and looks for ways to get it. They are good a delegating (well not me so much) and working with others. They may even be able to compromise with others for a desired result. Controlling my children will set them up for some really hard lessons AND they will be more likely to be influenced by their peers instead of influencing them
E- Not so bad of a future. I'm not a bad person, but I do need to let go of my own issues, so as to not pass them on. Controlling my kids will not get me my desired result, which is a close relationship with my children.

I've been working on it. Here's another example of letting go. Mondays and Wednesdays are long days. Webby has school so it's just me and the kids in the evenings. That can be trying. I have a tendency to say no when the kids ask me if they can make something in the kitchen, especially if it's while I'm making dinner. Mostly it's because they need help and I'm busy doing something else. I'm on a very tight evening schedule, with dinner at 5pm and bedtime at 7pm!

Mondays Sweetie Heart meets with her mentor after school. So that means I go pick her up an hour before dinner. Yes, I know 5pm is early for most people, but it works for us. Anyways here's how it went.

Me- Do you want to make a Wacky Cake when we get home?
SH- No, will you make it?
Me- No I need to make dinner when we get home. I won't have time.
SH- Is there any other dessert?
Me- No
SH- Well, I guess I'll make it then.
Me- You don't have to.
SH- But I want dessert, so I guess I'll make it.

My assumption is that we will get home and she will make it in plenty of time to have dinner on the table at 5pm. Nope! She did her homework, played and then came in at 4:40pm ready to make the cake. Now in the past I've said no dice. You wasted your time doing other things. Now it's too late. Tough cookies. Well...I don't usually say tough cookies, but I defiantly give out that vibe. But yesterday I didn't. I said okay...go for it. And she did. I did help minimally, explaining measuring and getting high stuff down, but other wise she did it. She's don't it before, so that's why I made the suggestion in the first place. She made a mess and cleaned it up. Dinner was on the table 20 minutes late, but who cares. They still got to bed on time and even if they didn't what's the big deal. I need to stop sending the message that I can't wait for them to go to bed. I need to stop sending the message that I don't have time to teach them or that they can do things when they learn to do it right and right on time. I need to be flexible and go with the flow. I need to let them know I have time and want to be with them. And even when they make a mess it's no big deal, messes can be cleaned up.

Funny, too. Yesterday evening went very smoothly. The girls didn't fight much. They did the things they needed to, mostly without my reminding (I'm working on it) and we all went to be happy.

How's that Vicki? Did I miss anything?


MidwifeMama said...

Great self-awareness and good start on self-control!

becca said...

sounds like you're right on track! bravo!i had a realization last night... i am not the boss of my children, nor are they the boss of me. we are a team that can work together to make eachother's lives easier.