Welcome to Parenting On Track™

For those of you who have not seen her and for those of you who follow her like an obsessed person (ahem), here is another opportunity to learn from Vicki.
Thursday, February 18 at 8pm.

Go here, watch and register. What better way to spend 60 minutes than with my BFF. See you there!

Welcome to Parenting On Track™

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Week 4: Four Mistaken Goal of Behavior

This is a great week full of discovery! Vicki's explanation will be better than anything I have to say. Inn essence it comes down to this. Kids do what they do to get our attention. Kids don't care what kind of attention they get or how they get it. So the act up and act out to get our attention.

Kids want to belong. They want to know where they fit in the family. Here are four ways they do it.

• Undue Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Assumed Inadequacy/ Avoidance

The assignment for the week is to observe how I feel when my kids use one of these behaviors.
The question for the week is, "How does understanding my feelings about my child’s behavior, change the way I see situations?"

So I wrote down the list and have been keeping track for how my kids attention seeking behavior makes me feel. I mist say, there are things that I am able to ignore pretty well. It doesn't push my buttons anymore. But I'm aware of that and am still keeping track of when that tactic is being used. So far what I am seeing is this. Both of the girls mostly use undue attention and power. Sweetie Heart uses power more often and will slip into revenge and assumed inadequacy/ avoidance but that has only happened a couple of times this week. Sweet Girl use undue attention the most, power occasionally and usually with her sister. Revenge and avoidance has only been used a few times in her life (she's only 4) and interestingly in the last couple of months.

Being aware of my feelings when they do these things is helping me to see what they are trying to get out of me. It all comes back to attention. One of the things Vicki said that really struck me, like a brick to the forehead, is this, "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." So my children are discouraged and want to know they have a place in my heart. But the things they do make me push them away and they become more discouraged.

So now I'm wondering, how do you ignore the weed and at the same time encourage them that they have place when they using one of the four mistaken goals of behavior? I'm thinking the answer might be, that we need to encourage them when they are not in that place and ignore the weed when they are.

This is the last week of discovery. I have learned so much about myself. I have broken down so many on my own roadblocks. I have delved deeper into my own issues. I am understanding myself better and am realizing why I behave the way I do. And, hopefully, I'm becoming better. I slip back but I'm doing the best I can to step forward into what really works.

The real work is about to start. Fasten your seat belts!

Get a Tissue

Here's another wonderful message. Good luck keeping your eyes dry.



Here's what I am realizing. As I let go of my control. Look deeper at the way I am and why. I am discovering who I can be....who I want to be. That person is different. That person laughs more, loves stronger and enjoys the moment because she knows it is the moments that make a life truly fulfilling. Like the message in the video, the events are great but the ordinary, everyday is the stuff is miraculous. And too soon you are saying goodbye and welcome to adulthood and still worrying if you prepared them enough. We spend so much time protecting them and holding them back when they are young. Trying to keep them young, when in fact, from the day they are born they are moving away from you. Now is the time to teach and encourage and love to the fullest. And as we let go and teach we pull our children closer because they trust that we are not going to hold them back.

What You're Doing Matters

Wanted to share this with all the moms out there!

Control...

or lack there of. That's what I have. I have this need for control. I think I already said that. But here's the thing, I, for some reason, want to control the kids. I want them to do what I say. And I want them to control themselves, even though they have never been taught. And yet I don't control myself. When My kids get mad I want them to act rationally, but I don't. I expect more from them then I do from myself. If I want them to change, I am going to have to change first. Where I lead they will follow, it's worked so far, just in the negative.

Vicki has called me on the carpet a few times about my control issues. She won't give me the answers on how to fix the kids. She told me it's about me and I need to get to the bottom of that before things are going to change. So here it goes.

A- Children manipulating/ trying to control each other
B- Children who are controlling are mean, selfish, bossy. They will seek out and take advantage of those who are weaker than they are. People won't want to be their friends. They may even be evil. They have deep seated issues that make them miserable so they seek to have others miserable with them.
B- Parents of controlling children either are also controlling or have no control over their children. They are door mats and give their children everything they want or they make their children feel bad about everything. They are pushing their issues onto their children.
C- I get mad and lecture how" no one will want to play with you." Use "how would it feel if it were yous." And ironic enough, manipulate back.
D- I'm a controlling person and I have friends. This is a person how knows what they want and looks for ways to get it. They are good a delegating (well not me so much) and working with others. They may even be able to compromise with others for a desired result. Controlling my children will set them up for some really hard lessons AND they will be more likely to be influenced by their peers instead of influencing them
E- Not so bad of a future. I'm not a bad person, but I do need to let go of my own issues, so as to not pass them on. Controlling my kids will not get me my desired result, which is a close relationship with my children.

I've been working on it. Here's another example of letting go. Mondays and Wednesdays are long days. Webby has school so it's just me and the kids in the evenings. That can be trying. I have a tendency to say no when the kids ask me if they can make something in the kitchen, especially if it's while I'm making dinner. Mostly it's because they need help and I'm busy doing something else. I'm on a very tight evening schedule, with dinner at 5pm and bedtime at 7pm!

Mondays Sweetie Heart meets with her mentor after school. So that means I go pick her up an hour before dinner. Yes, I know 5pm is early for most people, but it works for us. Anyways here's how it went.

Me- Do you want to make a Wacky Cake when we get home?
SH- No, will you make it?
Me- No I need to make dinner when we get home. I won't have time.
SH- Is there any other dessert?
Me- No
SH- Well, I guess I'll make it then.
Me- You don't have to.
SH- But I want dessert, so I guess I'll make it.

My assumption is that we will get home and she will make it in plenty of time to have dinner on the table at 5pm. Nope! She did her homework, played and then came in at 4:40pm ready to make the cake. Now in the past I've said no dice. You wasted your time doing other things. Now it's too late. Tough cookies. Well...I don't usually say tough cookies, but I defiantly give out that vibe. But yesterday I didn't. I said okay...go for it. And she did. I did help minimally, explaining measuring and getting high stuff down, but other wise she did it. She's don't it before, so that's why I made the suggestion in the first place. She made a mess and cleaned it up. Dinner was on the table 20 minutes late, but who cares. They still got to bed on time and even if they didn't what's the big deal. I need to stop sending the message that I can't wait for them to go to bed. I need to stop sending the message that I don't have time to teach them or that they can do things when they learn to do it right and right on time. I need to be flexible and go with the flow. I need to let them know I have time and want to be with them. And even when they make a mess it's no big deal, messes can be cleaned up.

Funny, too. Yesterday evening went very smoothly. The girls didn't fight much. They did the things they needed to, mostly without my reminding (I'm working on it) and we all went to be happy.

How's that Vicki? Did I miss anything?

2009 in Review

You might have seen most of these already. But here are two slide shows for our 2009 year! Enjoy!

Week 3: Take Time for Training

I've been light on blogging this week. Seems everyone doing the program with Vicki on momTV is blogging light, too. This week is mostly about observation. Luck for me since my sister and her family was here. As an added bonus all five kids got sick, one right after the other. And then my sister got sick. Blah, no fun!

Go here to read Vicki's introduction to the week.

These are quotes that Vicki said on the show and posted on her blog. They all make so much sense to me.

“If they can walk, they can work.” Vicki

“Never do for a child, what he can do for himself.” – Dreikurs

“Work is worth.” – Roosevelt

Here are the questions that I need to ask myself and then sit back and observe:

• What can your children do, that they will do? (Remember, no interfering from you)
• What can your children do, that they don’t do?
• What can’t your children do because they haven’t been trained?

Tough questions. Here's what I have learned this week. My kids can do a lot of things and when left to their own devises they will, especially if they want it now! However, I have created monsters who need to be reminded about almost everything. It's hard to say what they can do and will do, because I step in and remind far to often. So now they don't have to remember anything, so they don't even bother trying. Okay, maybe this is a bit of a generalization, but it's mostly true. There are also lots of things they haven't been trained to do and some how I expect that they should know how to do them.

I have a few mantras. A couple of years ago I ran across the quote:

KEEP CALM
AND
CARRY ON

I made up a bunch of small signs and have them hanging all over my house. It is a reminder to me, when I am about to loos it.

This year my new mantra is:

TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING

It has occurred to me that when my children ask for help it's because they want to engage me. So if I say, "Let me teach you" or put my hands over theirs and guide them, I am interacting with them and teaching them at the same time. Sweet Girl has even begun to ask me to teach her things. And that just seems right somehow. If I can raise children who ask when they want to learn something or don't know how to do something then I am raising adults who do the same and the sky is the limit!

Lateness. I hate being late. Like really hate being late. When I was single I was able to control that. I could show up early. No one knew how long I sat in my car waiting for the appropriate time to show up. I used to show up a whole class period early and sit outside my classroom when I was in college. I have control issues. I need to ABCDE it.

Then I got married and it got messy. Webby's history was not one of timeliness. He underestimated time and how long it would take to do something and then we'd be late for things. But I survived. I did take some liberties in telling him when we needed to be some place. But he has changed a lot and timeliness has become important to him as well.

Enter kids! Now that's throwing a wrench into things. Everything takes longer when you have kids. And babies add an additional 20-60 minutes on to my departure time. It makes things hard for my controlling self. And now that I'm doing my best to have the kids do for themselves it's really hard to get out the door on time. It was so much easier to just do it myself. But then I just get so tired of the kids blaming me that I didn't bring what they wanted and it takes so much time to pack all those bags.

Here's my biggest problem. Church! Yes, I said church. I enjoy going to church. But getting to church can be a bit of a problem. Webby has to be at church early for meetings, so it is just me and the 3 kids on Sundays. It. Is. Really. Hard. It is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut in the mornings. I am continually reminding my kids they need to get stuff done, asking my kids if they have everything, telling them they only have so many more minutes. It is so aggravating. And all I end up doing is working myself and the kids up. I have yanked the kids out of the house and into the car screaming. But the dawdling (button) makes me crazy. Sweet Girl has the tendency to do anything she doesn't need to be doing and waiting until the last minute to get herself together. Then I say let's go and she screams! (button)

So last week I decided I was going to let it go. I am supposed to be at church a bit early. But that just isn't going to happen. I would reflect on the morning as I was driving to church thinking how crazy it was that things were going the way they were. How in the world can I feel the spirit when I am so angry? What am I teaching my kids by yelling at them all the way to church? And so last week I let it go. I decided that we would get there when we get there. And we were late, but not by much (only 15 minutes). And again this week we were late. But you know what, being late isn't so bad. And we have had nice rides to church. I just get ready and wait in the car when I'm ready. When the kids are ready they come out to the car and then we go. No fighting. No screaming. No badgering.

Trading timeliness for peace is so worth it!

All this thinking about my buttons (and goats) has me thinking. I've been doing the ABCDE of my goats and have gotten really far with that. It really does help to re frame the activating event. When I do it helps me to see how those things that bother me the most are also assets to my children. They are the things that will help them to be strong as teenagers and adults. They are the things that will help them to assert themselves as leaders and not allow themselves to be swayed by their peers.

The other thing that occurred to me, my aha moment, is that my children have their buttons, too. Never thought of that before now. That started me thinking about the things that I do that aggravate my children. For Sweet Girl it is saying just a minute. She knows it's going to be more than a minute, I know it's going to be more than a minute. Still I do lip service and she gets aggravated, rightfully so. I ask Sweetie Heart what hers was. She said when I keep saying the same thing over and over and over again. Admittedly, I do badger her...a lot. So I need to be aware of that and change. Of course, I shouldn't be badgering anyway.

Nuff said!

So I found a new goat. My oldest wears the same clothes almost every day. Last year, I made a 2 day rule. If it's been worn for 2 days or is dirty after 1 day it needs to go in the hamper. I know it's interfering, so I haven't been nagging as much about it. More like sighing to myself and looking away.

From birth until Sweetie Heart was in the kindergarten I didn't really let her pick her own clothes out. She could pick out part and then I would pick out something that matched with it. She became very discouraged in kindergarten because I would have her pick out her own clothes and then I would "check" to make sure it matched. If it didn't I'd tell her why it didn't and make her do it again. A very good friend of mine told me to let it go. She said, "Sweetie Heart is an artist. T|Let her express herself whatever way she wants." And so I let it go. I don't always like it but I let it be.

Wearing clean mismatched clothes is one thing. But wearing dirty clothes just really gets to me. I know she has her favorite clothes to wear, who doesn't! But wearing them everyday even when they are dirty upsets me. She has worn the same outfit for at least 7 out of the last 10 days. She has put it in the hamper, because it's dirty and she knows it, just to take it out again the next day and say it wasn't really dirty. Did I mention it's a white, long sleeve shirt. Today I put my foot done. The sleeves are gray. I haven't even had the chance to wash it because she won't leave it in the laundry long enough to have it washed. It has holes in the sleeves that she pokes her fingers through and makes them bigger. I try to keep it at least mended, but can't do that when she won't take it off long enough. I'm not sure why but I won't mend it until it's washed.

A(ctivating event) ~ wearing dirty clothes & wearing the same thing every day
B(elief) ~ children who wear dirty are unhygienic and their bodies are dirty
B(elief) ~ parents who have children how wear dirty clothes are dirty, don't care about their children & have no concept nor teach hygiene
C(onsequence) ~ I tell her she has to go change, make her feel bad about not being able to tell on her own that something is dirty, she then complains that she doesn't have anything to wear (despite her full to over flowing drawer of clothes)
D(isputation) ~ no that stuff isn't true. people see me all the time and can see I'm not a dirty person. But I've seen people who look clean but live in filth. not teaching the hygiene thing...well not sure about that. but having to remind her to bathe, change her underwear and change her clothes gets old. *not caring what other people think is good, she won't be swayed by others?
E(ncourage yourself) ~ this too shall pass. she will become aware, at some point, that she does care how she looks to other people. hmm *.

Oh and did I mention she doesn't brush her hair.

That's all!